This is the reason why I don't let people get close to me. They all end up hurting me in the end. It doesn't even have to be a freaking BG relationship, even amongst friends they'd still hurt you in the end. To be fair, I have really good friends that have stuck by me and withstood the test of time, and I'm eternally grateful for that. I know I'm not the easiest person to be friends with; while I may seem like a cheery, klutzy girl on the outside, my inside is a whole basin of darkness that I fight with every day. But if I unveil even the tiniest glimpse of this abyss inside me, people will run, so I don't. I know what it's like to feel all alone, to be bullied, to cry, to hate myself, to hate the world, to hate life, and to genuinely want to die. To attempt dying. To fail. To have to face reality. To find the courage and strength to fight. To redesign my life. To find the perfect mask and take the stage. And on my off days when the abyss just pulls me under, to bury myself under the covers and cry, but refusing to give in.
You were that rock, once. In my darkest moments, I was happy just talking to you. But you have decided to leave, desert me in this foreign place where I am truly alone, without support, without the people who truly care for me, who even now, no matter the distance and time difference, are still there for me whenever I need them.
Rather than clinging on to the friend you obviously don't want to be, I'd rather let you go and hold my head up high. I won't beg for your friendship, there are others who appreciate me more. I don't need a fair weather friend like you.
And for once, I am really missing home. So much so that I am really tempted to pack my bags, up and leave this cold country for the warmth of home, where I know my true friends are. Even if I end up feeling stifled and pressured by family, I know these friends are always around for me to turn to. Unlike you.
Recently I've had the niggling feeling that someone I know doesn't seem to really want to talk to me anymore, or even be friends. I keep getting this feeling because I'm being treated differently from before and I keep wondering why. But I don't really have the guts to ask anymore. It hurts because I'm trying to repair this friendship alone and really, if a friendship isn't what you want at all, you could have just told me rather than leading me through another whole emotional roller coaster, this time of me wondering what I've done wrong. And the why. Always the why.